How Loss Changed the Way I Perceive Life. And Why I hope This Story Changes Yours Too..

Have you ever experienced a ‘line in the sand’ moment in your life?

A moment in time that changed everything. Before which you knew life as it once was, and then it became life as it now is?

There was the moment everything changed for me. You see, as cliche as it sounds; you never think it will happen to you. You hear about it all the time, but it could never be your family. Until one day, out of the blue, it is.

Late on Christmas Day 2013, my Uncle dropped me at a friend’s house after we had all sat around the table for our usual family Christmas dinner. For some reason, that night he stepped out of the car, wished me a Merry Christmas, said goodbye and waved me off down the path. I had no idea that that was the final goodbye.

Around 3 hours later, I woke to my phone ringing and my mum hysterical on the end of the line. My Uncle had an unexpected heart attack, and despite the emergancy services trying their best in the hours that followed that call, he never came back around.

The weird thing about grief is that you feel like that feeling will never leave you. And I guess it doesn’t, not really. It’s like someone digs a hole in your heart, and although that hole never gets filled; life, flowers, glimmers and moments continue to grow around it, until the hole, albeit still there, doesn’t seem so prominent.

Somehow, you make it through.

Another funny thing about grief, is that what comes from it is far from inherently ‘bad’. Hear me out. Of course, the immeasurable loss, the pain, the upset. But if you look closer within that, what you see is the collateral beauty of grief and loss. The beauty within loss that binds people closer together, that brings out the best in those closest, that heals old wounds, that offers you a dose of perspective.. And sometimes, changes the way you live and perceive life, forever.

Because the reality is, in that moment, it finally struck me how fragile life is. That it can be here in one moment, and gone in the next. And despite living as though we do, not one of use knows when that moment will happen for us.

In that moment. Everything changed for me. In life prior to that moment, I was a ‘reasons why it wouldn’t work’ girl, an ‘I’m too shy for that’ girl, an ‘it wouldn’t work out for me’ girl.. Until a switch flipped. That event changed everything. Realising the fragility of life changed everything.

You see, we are all living on borrowed time, and acting like life is guarenteed. From that moment, I became a ‘find solutions and how-to’s’ girl, a ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ girl, a ‘what’s is realisitcally the worst that could happen?’ girl, a ‘why wouldn’t it work out for me?’ girl. I never wanted to live a ‘waiting’ life, a ‘hoping’ life, or a ‘someday’ life.

Really, all we know is now. Your life is happening NOW. Not when you’re retired, not when things ‘magically get better’; now. Today, one minute ago, yesterday, tomorrow.

You’re blinking, going through the motions, and the weeks, months and years are passing you by. But are you LIVING them, or are you simply surving through them? Are you fulfilled? Are you living in a way that is aligned with your values on idea of happiness?

Now I won’t pretend that getting to this point doesn’t take work. Whatever the work to be done is for you right now; improving your health (physically and mentally), self development, learning from mistakes and growing, making changes to your work life balance to facillitate the life you want to live.. It takes WORK. Work to build the self awareness to recognise, work to lean into the discomfort of calling yourself out, and work to consistently take action in the right dirextion. Heck, it even takes work to figure out in the first place what direction it is that’s right for you.

But ask yourself, what’s harder; putting in the work and living a fulfilled life for it, or showing up each day to a life written for you that leaves you feeling empty? I know what sounds like harder work for me..

I had a moment when travelling in Santa Monica this month, where a realisation dawned on me, that should I want it, that could be my life. I could work from my favourite place in the world. That life I’ve dreampt of since I was 17, could be my life. But you see, that didn’t come out of the blue. I simply realised I’d arrived at the end of a long path that I’d been laying down brick my brick over the past 14 years. Sometimes consciously, sometimes subconsciously, but as a conscious result of living aligned with my values.

That wasn’t a mistake, but the result of a series of conscious choices, built up over time since watching Lauren Conrad in The Hills and Laguna Beach as a teen, full of awe and imagining parts of that life for myself when I grew up. I guess I made a pact in that moment with the Universe.

And within these conscious choices, were failures, getting knocked down just as many times as I got back up, closed doors, unanswered doors, sometimes doing things didn’t want to do, trying things didn’t work, restarting and restarting again (thats for another post..)

Not being afraid to pivot. long days, longer nights, tears.. but all with clarity of the path and faith that it would all work out. Providing I regularly checked in on my core (but ever slightly adjusting and shifting) values to guide me.

Take a moment, ask yourself; Are you living values aligned life?

Take a minute to reflect on life’s core areas; connection/relationships, career, finances, health.. Are they wokring for you? Are you meeting your needs in each area? What needs to change? And what are you going to do about it?

This is not a dress rehearsal. People are dying today who had plans for tomorrow. I know that; my Uncle was one of them (I’m currently recalling the heart wrenching moment my Auntie returned from the hosptial and laid down my Uncle’s rings, keys and phone, that was buzzing away with callers asking where he was and when he’d be arriving at the football match that Boxing Day..)

And it comes down to this. One day, maybe when you have all that time and money you’ve been saving towards, you’ll not have youth on your side. You may not have the energy or capacity to get on that surfboard and ride the waves of the Pacific Ocean, or take that long haul flight to see that sight you’ve always dreamed of seeing with your own eyes. And that day even coming isn’t a guarentee. So yes, be responsible. Take your future into account. But don’t waste something so precious as your life hoping for things to change and not taking action. Sitting and waiting for better days.

That comes from YOU. Only YOU can create them.

Get clear on what important to you. YOUR life, not society’s, not anyone else’s idea of how that should look. And start tutrning those dials.

One life. No dress rehearsals.

Charly x